Still me

I’ve been reading a lot about ASD, mostly blogs of other people who have had the same diagnosis as me. It is very comforting to read that other persons are going, or have gone, through similar experiences. The feeling of relief, when someone tells you you’re not 100% a dickhead, that you actually started different. The urge, for those who have been diagnosed later in life, to go back with their memory, and try to sort out what was what. Or this pretty letter to NT friends. It’s nice to read, it makes you feel less alone in this journey.

Yet, I can’t help to notice that in this respect, Aspie blogs aren’t much different from those of, say, deaf persons. The deaf aren’t just isolated from a world where sound communication is omnipresent: they even have their own language, which they only speak, and no one else understands (something I’ve envied for ages). But even the deaf have just one thing in common with each other: deafness. So, in meeting another person who doesn’t hear (deaf children grow up surrounded by other deaf persons), they have one very important connection, but not much else. Sure, I can imagine that living without hearing is a very pervasive condition. Still, I’m sure there are deaf dickheads, deaf trolls and deaf assholes, along with nice, compassionate, interesting persons who don’t hear. Upon describing someone deaf, it would be terrible to just say “deaf”, wouldn’t it?

I have a blog about my experience with ASD, that you’re reading right now, so I am contributing to this flux. A blog is a two way affair, it engages me, I get comments and messages, I discover new blogs and links, and I understand more and more what this thing is about. I guess it’s the same for other people. But still, I find some difficulties in identifying as part of the Aspie community. I like some blogs, I like some people, I share some thoughts and ideas – and I love brightness when I see it. But this is true of all my favorite blogs, none of them ASD-related, and written by non Aspergers. I would also add that I have a whole life, including another blog, social media, etc. that, until now, has had nothing to do with ASD. I kind of like it that way. My problem is not coming out (something I will do once I have a clearer picture: today is just day 12 from my diagnosis), I just don’t want to be anything else than me – with a propensity to dance, a love for pastry, an odd sense of humor, a somewhat useful mind, ASD, ecc.

As I said before, I resist to being identified with AS. I am me, with my skills and vocations, my limits, my tastes, my stupidity, my attitude in life. I understand (more and more) that my disorder has influenced many aspects of the above, but I don’t think it would be fair to blame (or give merit to) AS for everything. I’m not sure I would like to live in an Asperger world, city, block, or worse, apartment. Moreover, I think it’s healthy for me to know people who are different in some way: conservatives (also on wheelchairs), rastafarians (perhaps with AS) and even athletes (special or otherwise).

What I mean is: I find special comfort and support in reading and commenting some blogs of people with ASD, and I really think it helps me. The blogs I prefer are those written from an interesting point of view, AS or not. In the future I might find a special connection with someone because s/he/they has/have AS, but as of right now, I don’t think that fact alone is enough. I keep trying, thou.

• My observations